1
Esteemed citizens of Quartu,
I stand before you
a proud Blarg,
for tonight, we will twist
the very fabric of reality.
We will defy nature
with reckless abandon.
We have also broken
16 galactic statutes
and one star ordinance,
so I shouldn't see
anything about this online!
Beautifully worded, sir.
Hmm.
In just a few moments,
we will unleash a weapon
so powerful that
it will take...
Stanley, are you
seriously still texting
after what I just said?
Victor? If you please.
Uh...
Mommy.
- Dialing Mother.
Hello, Horkelberg residence!
Hello? Who is this?
Herman, it's that man again.
I hear heavy breathing and...
Ew! And chewing!
That's it.
I'm calling the police.
Does anyone else
feel like texting? Hmm?
Show of hands?
Anyone?
Uh-uh.
Very well.
Commence deplanetization!
Ready the Deplanetizer!
Seriously?
496, 497, 498, 499, 500.
Come on.
Is that all you got?
I need you to
give me 2,000,010%.
One and two and
three and four.
Remember, if you feel
the burn, that's good.
If you smell the burn,
that's bad.
Three, two, one.
Okay, let's dig deep.
Don't quit on me now.
Can you feel it?
Huh? Huh?
Can you feel the burn?
Are you kidding?
I'm on fire.
I can take anything
you can dish out,
so bring it on!
Okay, 2,000 more.
2,000?
One and two, three and four.
No pain, no gain.
And we'll be right back
after these messages!
Okay, bots! Let's do this!
And lunge! And lunge!
Ranger Workout
will be right back!
Burn!
Planet Tenemule is no more.
What?
Hello.
Dallas Wannamaker here.
Tonight at 5:00,
another uninhabited
planet is destroyed
without warning or cause,
marking the fourth
in recent memory of our
once-peaceful galaxy.
As a result,
the President has requested
our ever-vigilant
Galactic Rangers
increase their numbers
from four to five.
Really? Just five?
All right.
And now a message
from the man himself,
Captain Qwark.
Space, a wondrous realm
full of adventure, and peril,
and, uh, big-ness.
Captain Qwark!
The Solana Galaxy
is our home,
and as many of you know,
it's in a state of crisis.
The Galactic Rangers
are looking for
a new recruit to help
with the investigation.
So if you're
a small-time nobody
in search of adventure,
come on down to the spaceport
and see me, Captain Qwark!
Cue montage!
Cue montage!
Our next stop,
Planet Veldin's
Kyzil Plateau!
Kyzil Plateau?
That's right!
The Kyzil Plateau!
Ranger tryouts.
This is huge.
Galactic Ranger!
Grab some sky.
Galactic Ranger, punk.
Put 'em...
Whoa!
Ranger down!
Mission accomplished.
Hello?
I'm here to pick up my ship?
I'll be there in one minute.
Ah!
Give or take.
Hello? Hello?
Hello?
Hmm?
Are you ready to
have your mind blown?
Eh. No.
Whoo-ho-ho! Yeah!
I'll take that as a yes.
Boom!
Protolux afterburners,
full Gadgetron weapon package,
and a high-intensity
mag-booster so powerful,
it can pick up a paperclip
from two kilocubits away.
I think
there's been a mistake.
I came in to get
my ejector seat repaired.
Why repair something
when you can improve it?
Come on, have a seat.
Now, let's fire up
that mag-booster!
Oh!
Pretty sweet, right?
I guess,
but why do I need it?
Well, you could...
I mean, you know,
if you ever...
You know, I don't know.
Whoa!
No worries,
I can buff that out.
Maybe we should just...
Power this sucker down.
Oh, boy.
Look out! Hello! Watch it!
Hey, I've been
looking for that.
Greetings, Cadet!
What was that sound?
Nothing.
Unrelated question,
is your seatbelt on?
Uh...
Hit the brakes!
Hit the brakes!
Those aren't the brakes!
I'm too old to die!
You've got to be kidding me.
How did you get a license?
Whoa!
Can you hit
the kill switch, please?
The fish witch?
The kill switch!
Eh...
On the dash!
The drill hatch on the dish!
Hang on, I can fix this.
Your tail's in my face!
Hey, the view's no prettier
down here, pal!
There's a wall!
Oh, boy.
Yes!
Whoa!
Phew!
That was a close one, huh?
I want a refund!
Yeah, that is going to
show up on my midyear review.
You seem especially
brooding today, Victor.
Come! I have just the thing
to brighten your day!
Our next target!
Look at these waterfalls,
the fjords,
the rolling hills
of Corvoxian snodgrass!
This is exactly what I need.
But, sir, that entire region
is heavily patrolled
by the Galactic Rangers!
We will have this planet!
And we will take it
by going on the offensive.
Our forces will strike
at the Galactic Rangers first
and remove them
from the equation altogether.
Wait. Real battle?
Metal hand against hand.
I trust this pleases you?
Of course it pleases me,
but we don't have
any forces!
You let me worry about that.
In two days' time,
the Galactic Rangers
will be destroyed
and I'll be able to
complete my masterpiece!
How many times, Ratchet?
How many?
Come on, he's fine!
He landed in a pile of ivy.
Poison ivy.
Look,
you're a great mechanic,
you got a lot of heart,
but you're careless.
"Careless,"
it's such an ugly word.
I prefer "carefree."
Too soon?
Yeah, it was too soon.
I know things
haven't been easy for you,
but you can't keep
acting out like this
when I have a shop to run.
What's with you lately?
I just feel like
I'm supposed to do more.
I've always dreamt
of being a Galactic Ranger,
doing big things,
like Captain Qwark!
You want an old
mechanic's advice?
Dream smaller.
It leads to less
disappointment.
Please, Grim.
I just need one hour off
so I can go to
the spaceport for tryouts.
You promised
you'd help me give
proton scrubs to
every ship on the plateau!
It's almost summer.
These people depend on us!
First off,
it's always summer.
We live in a desert.
And second, that promise
is still in effect!
It's a 100% valid promise,
and you can redeem it
in one hour.
Yes! You!
You are a great friend, Grim.
Don't let anyone
tell you different.
I'll be back
before you know it!
You're the best boss
in the galaxy!
An inspiration to us all!
Don't ever change!
I'm okay!
Ladies and gentlemen,
get on your feet,
put your hands together,
and give a big
Planet Veldin welcome
to your Galactic Rangers!
First up, she'll shoot first
and ask questions
when she's good and ready.
Cora Veralux!
You loved him
in Grapplemania,
you'll love him more
as a Galactic Ranger.
Get ready to feel the pain
of Brax "The Brute" Lectrus!
Yeah, baby!
And finally,
ladies and gentlemen,
the savior of Solana,
Captain Qwark!
Hello, Veldin!
Hello, Captain!
He's on fire again.
I know.
My name is Copernicus Qwark,
and yes,
that was an impressive
wall of fire
I just walked past.
I'm going to be
real with you folks
for a moment.
When President Phyronix
recommended I take on
a new ranger,
I knew just where to go.
That's right, we want you!
Yeah!
The galaxy is
a perilous place.
Invasion,
space pirates, supernovas!
I know what you're thinking,
"Do I have what it takes?"
After all, you may not have
prevented Dr. Nefarious
from atomizing Aleero City.
You may not have
stopped Neftin Prog
from rendering
the entire population
of Aridia color-blind!
Twice!
After all, you may not
have this chiseled jaw
or godlike pectoral region,
but if you have heart,
then you have what it takes.
You don't have
what it takes.
But I have heart.
Yes, but unfortunately
that heart is encased
in a weak, muscleless
mass of inexperience.
Plus, there's your
history to consider.
You got a long line
of citations here.
Possession of an illegal
gravity repulsor...
Oh, that was
a misunderstanding.
I thought that space pirate
was on the level!
Operation of
a black-market accelerator.
"Operation"
is a strong word.
It blew up as soon
as I turned it on!
Willful disruption
of the space-time continuum?
That is a funny story.
You're reckless,
you're a loose cannon,
and you're dangerous.
That's my shtick.
Wait! Just give me a chance!
Sorry, no time!
Galaxy in jeopardy!
Get back out there,
and remember,
you can do anything...
As long as you're me. Next!
I have no less than
three lethal katas
I would like to
demonstrate for you today.
Get me out of these
tiny blue-neck towns.
Dr. Nefarious!
The mad scientist
who made
all of this possible!
"Mad" suggests
cognitive impairment.
I'm more of
a vengeful scientist.
I trust you're here
to meet the troops.
Three hundred
sentient warbots,
built using
the finest raritanium
in the galaxy,
and programmed to assassinate
the Galactic Rangers.
Proton-powered, rust-proof,
and laser-guided.
Each of these
perfect creations
is an efficient,
remorseless killing machine.
Remorseless
killing machine...
Makes me want to
have children of my own.
But will they
get the job done?
I'd hate to have to
send you back
where I found you.
State your prime objective.
Prime objective,
destroy Galactic Rangers.
Inspection complete.
Weapon issued.
My warbots know
every offensive tactic
in the Ranger handbook.
They won't just
kill the Rangers...
Target acquired.
They'll annihilate them!
Nice. They killed
the lights, too.
Burn.
Repairbot!
Ah!
Now we're talking.
Target acquired.
Oh, my...
State your prime objective.
Destroy Galactic Rangers.
State your prime objective.
Destroy Galactic Rangers.
State your prime...
Hmm...
Hello.
Defect detected.
Preparing for
immediate destruction
in three, two...
Hey! Wait!
Oh, a defect!
Go play, Victor.
No...
Ahhh!
I'm coming for you, defect!
Oh! Ooh!
Hmm.
Defect!
Computer, set coordinates
for the Galactic Ranger
home base.
Destination set.
We will never make it,
but, hey,
what are you gonna do?
Oh, dear.
Sayonara, amigo.
Ratchet...
So, you're off to
save the galaxy.
Turns out you were right.
I should dream smaller.
I'll never be a Ranger.
What?
Whoa!
Danger detected.
Danger detected.
I told you
we'd never make it,
but did you listen to me?
No.
Hello?
Anyone in there? Whoa!
Prepare for imminent death.
There's got to be
a better way to say that.
Sorry.
Prepare for imminent death.
How's that?
Five, four,
three, two, one...
No vector shell damage.
Sister board
appears to be intact.
Ah!
I must get to Aleero City!
They are in danger!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Hey, who's in danger?
An army is coming.
I must warn them!
Hang on, slow down.
You've been in a crash.
What do you say
we get you back
to my garage?
I'll run a diagnostic
and have you
fixed up in no time.
Thank you.
I appreciate the assistance.
It's no problem.
So what do I call you?
I suppose
my proper designation
is Warbot Defect B5429...
Maybe I'll just
call you Clank.
My name's Ratchet.
Uh...
Up and down.
Yeah, there you go.
You're a natural.
Okay, that's enough.
Or just keep shaking.
That's cool, too.
Almost got it.
And... There!
How do you feel?
Fully operational.
Sweet.
So, what are you doing
all the way out here
in the sticks?
I am on a mission of
galactic importance.
"Galactic importance"?
Okay. Oh, boy.
You must have
ruptured your CPU.
How many fingers
am I holding up?
Uh... Two. But I fail
to see the relevance
of the question.
Chairman Drek has
built an army of warbots.
They're going to assassinate
the Galactic Rangers tomorrow.
Oh! That kind of
galactic importance!
Well, why didn't you say so?
I can totally help!
Oh, I could not ask
a civilian to get involved
in something so dangerous.
Well... No,
I'm not just a civilian.
The Rangers are actually my
friends!
Why do you think I have
so many pictures of them?
But why are you
not in any of them?
Well, someone had to
take the picture, right?
I mean, come on.
I even have a ship.
It disassembles so it can
infiltrate enemy strongholds.
So, what do you say?
I understand what
the President wants,
but what are the odds
of actually finding
a qualified Ranger
way out in the boonies?
After all, there's nothing
the three of us
can't handle...
Oh!
I am your biggest fan.
It's touching me.
Get it off. Get it off!
Move it! Move it!
We've got hostiles!
We've got hostiles!
Go! Go! Go!
Enemy warship!
Take cover, citizen!
I love you!
Target acquired.
Hmm...
Hmm.
Hmm?
What?
Apologies.
I have not been able
to locate your species
in my database.
I get that a lot.
There aren't many of us left.
Not in this galaxy, anyway.
I'm a Lombax.
A Lombax?
Fascinating.
Yeah. I crashed on Veldin
when I was just a baby.
No note, no message,
no name...
Kinda like you.
Approaching destination.
Whoa!
Aleero City!
Yes, it certainly is.
No way!
It is the invasion.
We are too late.
Target acquired.
You knocked on
the wrong door, hombre.
How was that?
Did that sound cool?
Oh, boy.
Target...
Target acquired.
Target...
Target...
Brax to the max!
Max!
Awesome!
Fire!
Bring me the captain's head,
or I'll take yours
as a replacement.
Wilhelm!
I got these guys.
Welcome to
the Hall of Heroes...
Oops. I must've forgotten
to install
the targeting software.
Here, take the controls
for a sec.
Oh. I... Um...
Ow! Hey!
What's going on up there?
Well, unfortunately
my piloting skills are,
shall we say,
slightly underdeveloped.
Yeah, I think we can
definitely agree on that.
Whoa!
You maniac!
Ratchet, we are clearly
not prepared for this.
We should have
contacted the Rangers
to warn them of the attack.
Yeah,
like they'd know who we are.
But you said
they were your friends.
What?
I think you're quoting me
out of context.
The Rangers
are actually my
friends!
Do you record
everything I say?
Do you record
everything I say?
We're going down!
Your sense of direction
is impeccable.
I can fix this!
That was awesome!
Finish them!
Ratchet, I believe
I may have an idea.
Your weapon package
includes a mag-booster.
I am rewriting
the software to isolate
the raritanium alloy
used to manufacture us.
Great idea, Clank!
Bring it on!
There's too many of them!
Hold steady, Rangers!
Prepare to die,
Galactic losers!
Come on, come on!
Executing command,
and engage mag-booster.
Is it working?
Oh!
I do believe it is.
Target acquired.
Huh?
No way.
Yeah!
Oh, yes.
You're getting this, right?
Two civilians
are saving the city!
There are 300
heavily armed warbots
gaining on us!
I know! Isn't it great?
Get ready to
return to sender!
Terminating mag-booster
on my mark!
Three, two, one...
Mark!
No, no...
No!
What happened?
You got to be kidding me!
Get out.
Taxi!
Ah!
Hmm?
All right, everyone,
let's give these heroes
some breathing room.
I'm happy to
field all questions
on their behalf.
Captain Qwark!
Juanita Alvaro,
HoloVid Nightly.
The Blarg have
been underground
for over 50 years.
Could their return
be linked to
the destroyed planets?
I think that's
being a little alarmist,
don't you, Juanita?
Begging your pardon, Captain,
but Drek is responsible.
And his attack today
proves that he is only
getting started.
Now, now!
We must all stay calm.
Everything is under control.
Captain Qwark!
Dallas Wannamaker here.
Does that mean
you'll be asking
these two heroes
to join the Rangers?
Say what now?
Well, I...
I... Well, I...
I don't see why not.
You heard it here, folks!
The search for a new
Galactic Ranger is over!
Aleero City will never forget
the day it was saved by a...
A cat thingy.
How did this happen?
Someone explain it to me!
You!
You're supposed to
understand how they think!
How did you not
see this coming?
And Victor!
Do you know how
many candidates
you beat out
for your position?
I could have hired
the Zeezils Brothers!
It's enough to make me
want to vaporize someone!
We're putting
our project on hold.
I'm ordering all
remaining warbots
to the Deplanetizer
until the heat dies down.
Before we make
any rash decisions,
I wonder if you'd permit me
to troubleshoot this for you.
Go on.
Our question is simple.
How do you destroy
a team of heroes?
Whoa! Whoa!
Well, lots of ways, really.
Chains, knives,
guns, an enormous rock?
Rock...
The answer is "from within!"
If we continue to
fight them with muscle,
we'll lose every time.
But if we turn
one of their own
against them...
Of course,
we'd need a weak link.
A sad simpleton
who'd believe
whatever we tell him.
A corruptible moron.
But who?
Who?
Who?
Hmm.
Ah!
I'm getting an idea, boys!
You're a genius, sir.
I know. I know!
Our training program
usually lasts a full year,
but we've been cleared
to attack Drek Industries
in three days.
That means you two
are getting
the accelerated course.
We're going to be
trained by Brax Lectrus?
The guy's a legend!
I do not suppose you offer
introductory courses
in aviation?
No offense, little guy...
"To the max!"
...but I don't think
flying's really your thing.
Captain Qwark suggested
we put you in
a position a little less...
Dangerous?
Whoa!
Ha! That's right,
LivesAtHome472.
What's the matter?
Don't like getting
your butt kicked?
What are you going to do,
cry to your mommy?
Wait, are you really crying?
Hey, Elaris.
Hi, Brax!
Is that my new assistant?
Greetings.
Your office is most, uh...
Impressive.
Elaris here is
in charge of developing
our gear and providing
tactical support.
Usually it's the former.
The Rangers are the
shoot-first-think-later type.
I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to sound like that.
Like what now?
Come on.
I'll show you around.
Let's go, Cadet.
Time to make you a Ranger.
So, this is the...
Got to keep an eye on them.
Oh. And over here,
over here...
I'll see you in a bit!
We're going to
have so much fun!
Well, good luck.
Welcome, Cadet!
Let's get you into
your new protosuit.
Your protosuit is
the most advanced
combat armor on the market.
And it comes in
all the latest fall colors!
Sweet.
A neural sensor
in your helmet
reads your thoughts
and telequips
the desired weapon
into your hands.
Try equipping
your Combuster.
There you go.
Combuster equipped.
Wicked.
The Combuster
is the backbone
of the Rangers' arsenal,
allowing you to hit targets
in a short to medium range.
Whoa!
This is embarrassing.
The Alpha Disruptor fires
a deadly stream of plasma,
allowing you to hit
multiple targets at once.
Whoa!
See? He's got it.
Sort of.
This little baby's
the Negotiator.
Fires multiple long-range,
high-impact rockets.
Great versus heavy armor.
Buzz Blades!
Hey, hey, hey!
No, no, no!
Whoa!
The Warmonger.
Ah!
- I dunno.
- The Spiral of Death?
Whoa!
Fusion Grenade?
Wow.
Dude.
How am I doing?
So this is
really your office?
Eh. Budget cutbacks.
I don't mind it
as much as the last guy
who had this job.
Dr. Nefarious.
Drove him crazy.
Literally. He turned evil.
Oh. But don't worry.
It won't happen to me.
Hmm.
That's strange.
What is it?
I'm running a simulation
based on the fragments
we located from
each destroyed planet.
Each one is missing
a famous landmass.
Well, perhaps the pieces
are still out there.
There is a lot
of space in space.
I guess.
But it's worth
bringing up to the captain,
don't you think?
- Out of the way!
- Hey!
Watch out! Heads up!
Coming through!
Whoa!
Just relax!
Everyone, stay calm!
Something epic is happening!
Pretty cool, huh, Clank?
That's the stuff.
Flying in the air
like a majestic bird,
a majestic bird who knows
every fighting style.
Watch the master.
Captain, Elaris and I...
Can't talk.
...have some information.
Doing a flyby.
Sir! If you could come down
and speak to us
for three minutes...
And there are
the sprinklers.
But, hey, good news!
You already have a mop, huh?
So, there's that.
Please! If we could
have just a minute
to discuss our findings.
The only thing
I'm interested in finding
is the Hall of
Heroes cafeteria.
Let's go, Cadet.
It's three floors up
and it's meatloaf day!
Meatloaf!
Do they always
treat you so poorly?
Oh! No!
Yes.
The new
Galactic Ranger Ratchet
action figure!
There he is!
Guys, it's Ratchet!
Hey-hey!
Ratchet, we love you!
Boy, for a big city,
the people here
sure are friendly.
And rather loud. Oh!
Sorry!
Thought you were a trash can!
Indeed.
Wow. Look at that.
What do you know, Clank?
I'm famous.
Yes. Though I am sure
it is exciting,
my cultural database shows
that fame is highly overrated
and ultimately not rewarding.
Would you agree?
Oh, totally. Way overrated.
Hey, do you think
they'll name
a street after me?
Or a cologne?
"Ratchet.
Smell like a hero."
There he is!
Can I smell you?
Easy, now. There's no rush.
Believe me,
I could do this all day.
Uh?
Sorry, folks,
but, unfortunately,
we don't have time
for this nonsense.
I'm about to reveal
my awesome plan
for the attack on
Drek Industries,
unless, of course,
anyone would
like my autograph.
Good, because
we don't have time.
You the man, Ratchet!
I love you all!
He's taller in person!
Hmm.
All right, Rangers,
our plan of attack is simple.
HALO drop into Skorg City,
fire a whole mess o' bullets,
and take Drek into custody
so we can be home
in time for waffles.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Yeah! Yeah, waffles!
Oh, that's good.
Wait, that's our plan?
Yes, it is.
Pardon me, Captain,
but Chairman Drek is cunning.
He will be prepared
for our assault.
Look, I think
it is beyond adorable
that you decided to
do all this homework.
But big heroes
do big things.
Each second we waste
talking is a second
Drek could use to
destroy another planet.
But wouldn't it be worth
taking five minutes
to review our plan?
We have holoschematics...
Does anyone else
feel like we should have
shot something by now?
Because it really feels like
we should have
shot something by now.
Thank you!
Let's take a vote.
All those in favor of
kicking in Drek's front door
with a massive arsenal
and restoring peace
to a galaxy in turmoil,
say "Aye."
Aye!
All those in favor
of nerding it up here
with some pie charts,
say "Nay."
Nay.
Motion passes.
We assault
Drek Industries tonight!
Lock and load, Rangers!
Suit up and rally
in the aft airlock.
Although I am happy
to help with the mission
in any capacity,
I find this arrangement
slightly embarrassing.
I'm sorry,
but you're the only one
who's been inside
Drek's warbot factory.
Besides, this is
the best way
for you to keep up.
Whoa!
Nice backpack.
Remember, your thrusters
are powered by Ratchet's suit,
so don't try
any solo flights. Okay?
I shall endeavor to...
He's in good hands, Elaris.
You sure you want to take
the, uh, extra baggage?
No offense,
but we're dropping
straight into a cauldron.
And do you know
what's inside that cauldron?
Is it danger?
It's...
Yes, it's danger.
Let's roll!
All right, team.
Let's bring it in.
Remember,
our target is Chairman Drek!
Ready, Rangers?
On the count of three.
Three!
Keep up, rookie!
All right, pal, you ready?
Well, I...
Whoo-hoo!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Whoo!
Ah!
I'm in. Any sign of Drek?
Negative.
Place looks deserted.
My internal
coordinates system
indicates a right turn
up ahead.
Eh. My gut says
this way, Clank.
Glad you're getting
in touch with your
feelings, newbie,
but we're turning right.
Because?
Because I'm your
senior Ranger
and I say so. That's why.
Okay! Okay.
Yeesh! Cranky.
What's that?
Huh? Oh.
I said, "thank ye" for
those words of wisdom.
Good save.
This feels too easy.
Why was there no alarm?
It is strange.
Everyone, stay sharp.
Initiate Phase One.
Let's scatter
the cockroaches.
Just push the button, Zed!
Yoo-hoo!
Zurkon, zurkon.
Zurkon, zurkon.
Zurkon, zurkon, zurkon...
Anyone hear that?
Zurkon, zurkon, zurkon.
Engaging motion scan.
I'm getting something.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Zurkon, zurkon, zurkon.
Zurkon, zurkon, zurkon...
Huh?
Yoo-hoo!
Zurkons!
Mr. Zurkon
is looking to kill you!
Yoo-hoo!
Boom, baby!
Yoo-hoo!
Yoo-hoo!
Yeah!
Three-time
galactic champ up in here!
Ranger identified.
Terminate!
What's a Zurkon?
Robotic bodyguards.
They protect
whoever deploys them.
Mr. Zurkon has you now.
Zurkon hates
Galactic Rangers!
Heads up!
Whoa!
Yoo-hoo!
Nice shot.
Do that again,
and I'll shoot you myself.
What is this place?
Huh.
If I may...
Hmm.
Yoo-hoo!
Stupid Ranger. Time to die!
Mr. Zurkon delivers
a symphony of pain!
Don't move.
I'm listening.
Captain Qwark.
I've been watching you
these past few days,
and I think
it's simply dreadful what...
Zed!
Sorry.
Simply dreadful what
Ratchet has done to you.
He's made people
forget who the real hero is.
All you wanted to do
was protect the galaxy,
and how do they repay you?
By dropping you for some...
Well, I don't even know
what he is!
Even if that were true,
I could never betray
the citizens of Solana.
My friend, betraying them
is how you get them
to love you.
Allow me to introduce you
to my personal team
of Blargian PR professionals.
Lads, tell him
how we work our magic!
As far as I can see,
you're the victim here.
That Lombax
pushed you to do this.
He did?
You were desperate,
emotionally scarred,
depressed, even!
You didn't know
what you were doing.
The betrayal
was a cry for help.
It was?
It will be!
A tell-all book,
a few guest appearances...
A holo-film.
No! A trilogy!
In six months' time,
you won't just be
Captain Qwark the hero...
You'll be Captain Qwark
the survivor. Huh?
No one needs to
get hurt, Captain.
We can evacuate the planet
and give these people
a new place to live,
a better place to live.
Do we have a deal?
Huh?
Hmm.
Fascinating.
These are plans
for something
called a "Deplanetizer."
Deplanetizer?
Why would Drek
be destroying planets?
Not destroy.
It seems that Drek is trying
to build the perfect planet.
Come on,
let's move out!
Hey! Wait for me!
Wait! Wait!
Sorry, Zed!
I'll write you an excellent
letter of recommendation!
You don't even have my email!
It's Spacegangsta72@Zed.com!
Oh!
Hi.
Um...
Before you start in
with the, um, questioning,
it's important you understand
that I am faithful
to my employer.
And that's how I found out
I was lactose intolerant,
though I think
the parakeet
would've died anyway,
because he was always flying
into the window, which is...
She wouldn't drop him,
would she?
Maybe.
When I said,
"Tell us everything."
I meant Drek's target list.
Now, out with it!
Probably.
I would be more than happy
to supply you
with the target list,
but, unfortunately,
I signed a legally binding
non-disclosure agreement.
I want the rest
of his targets.
Now!
Please.
This was supposed
to be a temp job
until I got my
singing career on track.
Okay, okay!
Novalis.
He wants Novalis.
Novalis?
Novalis is populated.
Yes, 43,618,924 people,
to be exact.
The Schnorkelsons
had twins this morning.
We've got to move.
Hey! Captain Qwark! Buddy!
Remember me?
From Drek's office?
Where you signed
that contract and...
Shh!
Not the face!
Dear Diary...
I mean, journal. Yes.
Dear Journal,
I've been having
the mood swings again.
One minute,
I'm laughing hysterically.
The next minute,
I'm laughing maniacally.
I guess it's because
everything is going
exactly according to plan.
Soon, I'll be long gone,
and the entire solar system
will be nothing
but a giant cloud
of dust and gas.
Excuse me, Doctor.
Chairman Drek
would like to see you.
How long have you
been standing there?
I came in during the part
about dust and gas?
It's my dietary journal.
I keep a very strict record
of everything I eat
and which foods give me...
Dust and gas?
Exactly.
Cool.
General Qwark
moves into position.
Ooh.
Cleverly, he deactivates
the weapons system,
and the crowd goes wild.
Yeah! Yeah!
Qwark is the best! Yeah!
Novalis Control, evac shuttle
convoy 262 departing orbit.
Evacuation 82% complete.
Fighters ready to rock.
So what's the plan, Captain?
Uh? Oh... The plan?
Yes. Here's what
we're going to do, Rangers.
I'll go in first
and try to reason
with this Drek character,
see if we can talk
this out, mano-a-mano.
Talk? I don't follow, sir.
Sir, he's blown up
five planets already!
I think we're done talking.
Captain, if we can
just take 30 seconds,
I think I have an idea.
Sure. Go ahead.
Well, I was looking at
the schematics of
the Deplanetizer...
Yeah.
...and it occurred to me...
And mute.
I'm going in.
Captain, wait!
Back-up is on the way!
We should...
Hostile ship
on approach, sir.
Should we fire
proton cannons?
Not yet.
I've got a shiny
new puppet down there,
and I'm about to
put on a show.
"Starting secret mission.
"Hero work ain't easy.
"#Humblebrag, #Killinglt,
"#NoFilter, #NotAMole."
Ah!
I'm not a sellout!
Captain Qwark!
You performed marvelously.
Be honest,
are you a professional actor?
Well, I did dabble
in my share of theater
back in grade school.
Every year,
I'd play the dad...
Yes, an enthralling saga
I'd love to hear!
But first,
you've disabled
the weapons system
on the Rangers' fleet,
right?
Oh, just as
a safety precaution,
mind you.
We wouldn't want
a tense situation
to escalate out of control.
Of course,
we wouldn't want that.
And I have your word
that my team isn't
going to get hurt, right?
Oh, my dear captain!
Where's the trust?
Destroy them all.
Contact! Contact!
All units, engage.
Error. Error.
Weapons system compromised.
Cannons! Missiles!
Weapon systems are negative
across the board!
Same here! I got nothing!
We've been sabotaged.
Rangers, fall back!
Break off! Break off!
The Rangers
are retreating, sir.
Brilliant.
Hmm.
Get me a holo-scan
of that ship.
Right away, sir.
Well, lookee-lookee.
What have we here?
The defect.
Ah, yes,
the one that got away.
Not this time.
Are you sure, Victor?
He looks awfully dangerous.
Teleport me to the ship.
It's impossible, sir.
It's shielded.
Just get me close!
No, I can't leave him.
Ratchet,
what are you doing?
I'm going in!
Ratchet, don't do this.
If you give us a minute,
we can work out
an assault plan!
There's no time!
Captain Qwark is in there
fighting an entire army
on his own!
Permission to land?
Permission granted.
Mmm.
Who's on foot duty?
Tootsie rub, come on.
Ah!
Their defensive fire
is too strong.
Pull back!
Your fighter won't make it.
I don't have to land!
I just have to get close.
Hull integrity at 2%.
Prepare to teleject.
Ratchet,
please, listen to Elaris.
The odds of
surviving a head-on assault
is roughly 600,993 to one!
Big heroes do big things.
Three, two, one...
He made it!
What was that?
I do not know.
I will investigate.
Probably just
the ship settling.
Nothing to be alarmed about.
Whoa!
Ah!
Defect!
Oh, my.
I am coming for you, Defect!
Uh, I believe
we may have a problem.
Coming through!
Star Cracker Chamber,
47 meters southwest,
then slight right ahead.
Ratchet?
Where are you?
Can't talk! I'm almost
at the control center.
Captain Qwark did
something to the ship!
Nothing's working!
And I think
Clank's in trouble!
Roger that! As soon as I stop
the Deplanetizer from firing,
I'll be right back to help.
Deplanetizer now online.
Bravo, my boy!
Bravo!
I deal with
my share of morons
on a daily basis,
but this?
This is seriously next level!
Take him.
Where are you?
Come out and fight!
You want a fight?
I'll give you a fight.
No free rides!
Hmm.
Die!
Get back here!
I'm going to make you wish
you were never created!
Thundersmack equipped.
You're nothing
but a pathetic defect!
Perhaps.
But I am waterproof.
Defect!
Hey! Over here!
Can I switch sides now?
I never had a proper planet.
I spent my formative years
underground,
where everything
was dark and wet and hot.
And I was like,
"Warrior? No, I said
I was a worrier!"
I worry about everything!
I... Oh, hey.
Qwark?
This is awkward.
The next time you
and those moronic Rangers
decide to play hero...
...plan better.
Toss him into
one of the shuttles.
I want him to live
to see his failure.
Drek, don't do this!
Novalis is home to millions!
Yes, yes, and they had
their time in the sun.
Now it's our turn.
Commence deplanetization!
Ready the Deplanetizer!
No!
Well,
here's your I.D.
Welcome aboard.
Captain?
Huh?
Oh. Yeah. Thanks.
Release the harvesters!
In the wake
of Novalis' destruction
and Captain Qwark's
shocking betrayal,
Galactic President Phyronix
has issued
a galaxy-wide alert
to all Solana citizens.
Residents are to
remain in their homes
while authorities
manage the crisis.
And though the planet
was successfully evacuated,
the question remains,
did we put our trust
in the wrong Lombax?
Uh...
Can I come in?
That protosuit of yours
keeps beeping.
All day, all night,
voices asking you
to come back.
Those Ranger hotshots
are persistent.
Yeah. Thanks, Grim.
I'll turn it off
in the morning.
Hey. I remember this.
You wandered into the garage
and took my rocket sled
for a test drive.
No fear, no safety check,
you just flipped the switch,
and off you went.
Took three police bots
to chase you down
and teach you how to stop!
I guess I just wanted
to do something big.
I wanted to matter,
you know?
I ain't never been
very good with advice.
But I do know this.
To be a hero,
you don't have
to do big things,
just the right ones.
That's actually not bad.
Thank you.
I have my moments.
I'm okay.
My dear, sweet Victor.
You were a wonderful
friend and companion.
Honest. Loyal. Rusty.
I mean, really rusty.
I could hear you
all the way
across the station.
But still, we honor you
with this silent
moment of reflection,
as thanks
for your sacrifice.
You will be missed.
Let's get this
show on the road!
Bring in New Quartu!
Bring in New Quartu!
Uh, how are things
at home, Jeff?
Great!
It's beautiful.
I did it, Father. I did it!
It's beautiful.
Uh...
I thought
I might find you here.
Clank?
I'm not going back, Clank.
This is where I belong.
You were right.
Fame is overrated,
especially when you're
famous for causing
a complete disaster.
It was not
a complete disaster.
Authorities are calling it
a "complete and
utter disaster"...
Sorry!
The evacuation
of Novalis was successful.
No one was killed
or injured.
But those people
lost their homes,
and for that, I have to
take full responsibility.
Blaming yourself
and taking responsibility
are two very
different things.
If you truly
want to be accountable,
you will endeavor
to make things right
the next time.
Next time?
Drek has one more target
on his list.
With Captain Qwark
now working for the enemy,
the Rangers need you
more than ever.
And I would like to
offer my assistance
in any way possible,
partner.
Earthquake!
What's that?
Oh, I brought some friends.
Okay, pity party's over.
Time to get back to work.
Listen, guys,
I'm sorry I ran out
on you like that.
Even though I messed up,
I should've stayed to
fix it and see it through.
Eh. We've all
made bad choices.
Here, check it out.
My cadet photo.
Really?
That's how we're playing?
Okay, uh, there's no need
to embarrass anyone here.
Okay, everyone,
chill out!
We have a job to do,
and I need to
start shooting
at something immediately.
Well, before we
just go off and start
shooting at things,
I was thinking that...
Yeah, get some.
That's what
I'm talking about.
Forget it.
No, wait. Go on.
I think we need to hear
what you both have to say.
Well, while we can't
move a planet
out of the way...
I was thinking,
what if we could
move the weapon
targeting that planet?
Move the Deplanetizer?
Knock it off course.
Okay. Awesome.
And just how
are we going to do that?
Not sure yet.
But I'm working on it.
Hmm.
I might have an idea.
So after you pick up
my dry cleaning,
you need to polish
the Segway,
and after that...
Drek, I want to talk to you.
You tried to kill my Rangers!
You said
you'd leave them alone!
And I meant it at the time!
I detest bloodshed
as much as any Blarg,
but sometimes,
sacrifices are necessary
for the greater good.
I know you're working
with Nefarious on this.
Yes, isn't it wonderful?
We're all part of
the same dream team.
We should
make T-shirts!
You're making a big mistake.
You have no idea
the kinds of evil
he's capable of.
Oh, but I do.
It's all right here
on his rsum.
Special skills...
Horrendous evil.
Unspeakable evil.
Diabolical evil.
He's very well-rounded.
And apparently,
he can juggle. Hmm.
Oh-oh!
Do I feel my ears burning?
And there's
our little juggling
psychopath now!
You died in a prison escape.
There were witnesses.
Oh.
People will say and do
just about anything
for the right price.
What was yours, Qwark?
What was your price
for selling out your friends?
Your face on another
cereal box, perhaps?
Why don't you run along
so the Chairman and I
can get back to
the business at hand?
But what am I supposed to do?
You can guard
the Star Cracker
water cooler.
Oh! But with fury!
Mmm-hmm.
That was fun!
And T-shirts
would be a good idea.
Good for morale.
What do you think, Neffie?
Should we...
Sheepinator.
One of my personal favorites.
It's time for
a change of management.
Huh? Uh-oh...
Okay, let's do this!
We only got so much
time to get it all done.
Use that,
whatever that's called.
That's good. Okay.
Right. Over here.
Keep bringing it on in,
ratcheting it on up,
electrifying everything.
Make sure
everything's got electricity
running through it,
at least a little bit.
That's good, too.
Whatever that is,
you're doing great.
Okay.
Hey, everybody!
Get in here now!
Uh, please.
You're not going
to believe this.
We finally decoded
the Deplanetizer plans.
We found his next target.
It's Umbris.
Well, at least
he picked an empty planet
this time.
Yes, however,
it is a volatile planet.
Its core is made up
of pure melluvium.
Blowing it up will result
in a chain reaction
that will destroy
the entire system.
But why would Drek do that?
I thought he was trying to
build the perfect planet?
Well, because Umbris
wasn't Drek's idea.
Duh!
What do you mean?
It's Nefarious.
Dr. Nefarious?
No, Steve Nefarious.
Of course it's Dr. Nefarious!
Oh, yeah, funny how
you didn't mention that
when I was dangling you
over the edge of a building.
Well, you didn't ask,
now did you?
Okay, that's it.
I'm shooting him.
What? Don't shoot him.
I am confused.
I thought Nefarious was dead.
Only on the inside.
Otherwise,
he's very much...
Alive!
Okay, shoot him.
You wanted New Quartu?
Huh?
I'll give it to you.
Happy trails!
Now entering
Umbris atmosphere.
Yes, it's almost here.
The beginning of the end.
The end of what?
Let the games begin.
Remote detonation
now activated.
It is about to get real.
We're as close as we can get
without being spotted.
Okay,
so what's the plan, Elaris?
Go on. We're listening.
Well, I've been hard at work
on a little something called
the Hologuise.
It'll project a visual
and audible replication
of Captain Qwark so realistic,
it would fool his own mother.
With Ratchet posing as Qwark,
they'll dock with
the Deplanetizer
by easily fooling
the simpleminded Blarg.
Yes, Captain.
What can I do you for?
Greetings, citizen.
Just returning from patrol.
Copy that.
Deactivating shield grid 24 A.
Once inside,
Ratchet and Clank
will make their way
through the Star Cracker
chamber to the inner core.
When Ratchet
exposes the stabilizer,
it can quickly
be disconnected...
Yes. Got it.
Meanwhile,
Clank will disable
all the other weapons
by hacking
into the mainframe.
Weapons system disabled.
Leaving the Deplanetizer
completely vulnerable
to any outside forces.
Warning. Warning.
Core stabilizer offline.
Run away! Everybody panic!
Warning. Warning.
What's happening?
Warning.
Core stabilizer offline.
Dr. Nefarious, sir...
I mean, Doctor!
Where are you going?
Me? Nowhere.
Certainly not out of
a system-wide blast radius.
What?
What?
We've been infiltrated.
The Galactic Rangers
are trying to shut down
the Deplanetizer,
and I can't find
Chairman Drek anywhere!
Ah!
You want something done right,
you have to do it yourself.
Warning. Warning.
Huh?
Core stabilizer offline.
Everybody panic!
Ratchet...
And we're clear.
All units, move in.
Yeah!
Way to go, you guys!
Ratchet!
Greetings, Cadet.
Captain Qwark,
on behalf of
the Galactic Rangers,
I'm placing you under arrest.
You can't do that.
I'll just arrest you
right back!
On what charge?
False arrest?
Being annoying? Who cares?
You stabbed your own team
in the back, Qwark!
Just like you
stabbed me in the back,
taking my fans,
my sponsors, my lucrative
endorsement deals,
my parking space!
You were my hero.
Now you're no better
than Nefarious!
How dare you.
I am way better-looking
than Nefarious!
I'm taking you in.
By force, if necessary.
Oh, wittle wombax
with a wittle gun!
Huh.
Qwark, stop!
You don't want to do this!
Don't tell me
what I want to do!
On your left, Ratchet.
Now your right.
Huh?
Enough, Qwark!
Whoa!
Nefarious is tricking you!
He wants you to destroy
the entire system!
Oh, that's right,
you know everything.
Uh-oh!
Hey, why don't we all
just listen to Ratchet?
Ratchet, look out!
Whoa!
Oh, my.
Buzz Blades? I taught
you better than that!
Some of it got in my mouth!
It's in my mouth!
He's just too good.
Oh, dear.
Whoa!
Clank!
Tornado Launcher!
Nefarious may be
a homicidal lunatic,
but he sure can build a gun.
Qwark, please!
You're not a villain!
You're not like Nefarious.
This isn't you,
and you know it!
If Umbris is destroyed,
everyone will die,
including us!
Is that how you
want to be remembered?
I'm... I'm sorry.
I don't know how
things got this far.
This is just pathetic!
Nefarious.
Give it up. It's over.
As head of
the Galactic Rangers, uh,
he's here to place
you under arrest.
Me?
Absolutely.
Arrest this man
for his speakable
crimes against the galaxy.
My crimes?
The real crime is
how you treated me!
The Rangers couldn't even
give me a proper laboratory!
We have
an operational budget!
You called me
"King of the Nerd Herd!"
It was a term of endearment!
Day after day,
I slaved away,
creating all the weapons
and devices
that made you
look like a hero.
But you're not a hero.
You're not even
a good villain!
You're the galaxy's
biggest joke.
Maybe.
But now the last laugh
is on you.
Wait, what?
That didn't make any sense.
Sure it did.
No, it didn't.
It sounded like
you were combining
"The joke is on you"
with "I'll have
the last laugh."
Take your pick.
That's not how it works!
Get ready to engage
mag-boosters!
Ratchet and Clank
are still inside.
Drek's going to
fire at any moment!
We don't have any more time!
My point is,
if you're going
to use a one-liner,
it should make sense,
and be relevant
to the situation!
Look, I workshop
thousands of these a year,
and they can't all be gold!
Now, put your hands
in the air!
Over your dead body!
Whoa!
Incoming.
Whoa!
Mommy!
- Dialing Mother.
Hello, Horkelberg residence!
Mag-boosters engaged!
Full power!
It's working.
Stay with it.
Steady now! Steady!
Whoa!
What's happening?
Whoa!
Deplanetizer now online.
Qwark!
Don't let him turn it on!
Get off me, you has-been!
You know,
maybe Drek was right.
I am a mad scientist.
Whoo-hoo! They missed!
Lousy, insolent, idiotic...
Break off. Break off!
Copy that.
Ratchet, you have to
get out of there now!
Weapon locker depleted.
Hmm.
Yeah.
We're working on it.
No! My plan!
You've ruined my plan!
You've had this one coming
a long time, Qwark!
Of all my
brilliant creations,
it remains
one of my favorites.
Meet the RYNO,
as in, "Rip You A New One."
Hey, Nefarious?
What?
Meet the Omniwrench.
Warning.
Now entering
Umbris atmosphere.
Any ideas?
Hmm.
Come on, guys.
Get out of there. Come on!
They'll never
make it out in time.
We've got to help.
It's too late.
There's nothing we can do.
We must find
one of Drek's teleporters!
I saw one on the bridge!
Watch out!
Hang on, boys.
It's here! Hit the brakes!
Relax, I know what...
Qwark!
Oh, no.
I can't reach you in time.
Just get out while you can!
Teleporter charging.
Hmm.
What are you doing?
Improvising!
Oh!
Are we dead?
Huh?
We are alive.
All Rangers alive
and accounted for.
Whoo!
Welcome back, Rangers!
Good job!
How many planets do
you think I'll have to save
for them to
call me a hero again?
You don't have
to do big things
to be a hero, Qwark.
Just the right ones.
Oh.
I don't know,
maybe it'll be
worth something someday.
Hmm.
I must say that it is curious
that the sudden
cessation of velocity
relative to our inertia
did not cause
either of you to...
Oh, dear.
Don't worry, Cadet.
It happens to the best...
Oh, that was terrible.
Oh, boy.
Make it stop!
Should we go
and join the others?
I'd like to,
but there's a promise
I have to keep
to an old friend.
I understand.
Don't worry. I'm sure
we'll run into each
other again someday.
It's a small galaxy.
Well,
I suppose this is goodbye.
You can let go now, Ratchet.
Ah...
Come on,
what's the holdup?
Paying good money
for this.
I haven't got all day!
And that was the scene today
as thousands gathered
to welcome home
the Galactic Rangers,
making their triumphant return
from saving our galaxy.
Grateful citizens gathered
at the famed Hall of Heroes
to mark this day
that will live in
hearts and minds forever.
As for Private Qwark,
the recently demoted Ranger
will embark upon
his galaxy-wide apology tour
while shamelessly
promoting his new book,
Listen, I Said I
Was Sorry, All Right?
When asked for a comment,
the former captain
had this to offer.
Prepare to be blown away
by my epic humility.
There was, however,
one curious absence
from today's festivities,
that of new Ranger sensation
and media darling, Ratchet,
leaving this reporter
with one question.
What does a Lombax do
after saving the galaxy?
We may never know.
And now,
a story about a baby glypod
who can play the ukulele.
Come on,
we haven't got all day!
We have 10 more
proton scrubs to do
before lunch
if we want to
stay on schedule!
I've got to be honest,
I kind of thought
you'd be so
touched by the gesture,
you'd call us even.
Well, you thought wrong,
didn't you?
Ah, keep your shirt on,
I heard you.
You see these ears?
Hey! Wait!
Wait! Please wait for me!
I have abandonment issues!
Might I offer
a suggestion?
Modifying that proton scrubber
with a Gadgetron quasar flash
would increase your
efficiency by 47.4%.
A quasar flash, huh?
Gee, I don't know.
That kind of tech
takes two to operate.
And Grim's not as nimble
as he used to be.
Then perhaps I could
remain here and assist,
if you do not mind me
staying around a while.
You kidding?
Things have been way too quiet
without you around.
I do bring
a certain level of zing
to the table, don't I?
Yeah, Clank.
You're a real wild one.
Speaking of which,
am I to assume
that you have retired
from the Galactic Rangers?
Nah. Once a Ranger,
always a Ranger.
Believe me,
the minute somebody tries
to blow up another planet,
I'll be ready to go.
But, hey, what are the odds
of that happening?
Precisely 87,534 to one.
Yep.
A real wild one.
No! Get away from me!
Do not stick
that thing in...
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Quit trying to
repair me, you moron!
I am not a robot!
Huh? Are you still here?
All the logos and doohickeys
already went by.
That means it's over.
Move along.
No extra little scene
at the end of the movie.
If I find out who
started that nonsense,
why, I'm going to
plant my boot so far up...
I said, beat it!
Sheesh!
I am so busy watching series by Andy Yeatman that I have no idea about anything else. I am stuck at this content. It is so amazing. I get to learn something new every day. I would still stick around this forum in order to know more about these comedy shows.
ReplyDelete